A Fatwa, A Bald Pate and Endless Debate


Sonu Nigam’s tweet on forced religiosity and azaan call had gone viral. Nation was divided. An islamic cleric became so enraged that he announced a bounty. “Shave Sonu Nigam’s hair, and collect Rupees 10 lac from me”, thundered the clergy. Meanwhile, in an open press conference, Sonu Nigam announced that he will get his head shaved. ” I shall get my head shaved by my muslim brother. The maulavi must pay 10 lac to barber”, declared Sonu.

A bounty on Sonu Nigam’s hair! Nations favourite channel organized a debate under the program slot “Right, Left and No Centre”. Sonu Nigam and Maulavi were linked live to studio. As live participants, there were ruling and opposition party reps.

Anchor : “Did you or did you not intentionally insult minority community? First you speak about azaan, then you get your hair cut by a muslim barber!

Sonu : “I said everything in my press conference. I have nothing to add. See to it that maulavi pays 10 lac to my barber. I am neither right, nor left, I am at the centre. I am the minority.”

Meanwhile, the cleric, was thinking, “why did I have to open my mouth. Now this person got his head shaved. I have to pay 10 lac rupees to the barber. I should have asked for his head, instead of his hair. Crazy man! He could not have got his head chopped, could he!”

Even before anchor could ask him a question, maulavi screamed “Why should I have to pay? Sonu has fixed the barber. From a reliable source I learnt, that singer  owed the barber 10 lac. He did not want to pay from his pocket, so he engineered the twitter scam. Now he wants me to pay the money! No way, he can get a penny out of me. Also, he has to wear a necklace of old shoes and apologise to members of my  community all over India”

Anchor immediately jumped in and said breaking news, exclusive to your channel “noted singer in money trouble, engineers tweet and entangles innocent cleric! A collusion with ruling party suspected!

Oppostion politician : You give me two minutes. In our party, we believe no one has the right to insult others. Sonu had insulted azaan and Sonu had insulted cleric, and community members. By claiming himself to be minority, Sonu has insulted all minorities. Sonu must apologise to one and all. Look how ruling party is treating minorities.

Cleric was tricked by Sonu and ruling party in giving fatwa on Sonu’s hair. Cleric should have asked for Sonu’s head. Then, nation would have seen, how could anyone do drama on television. My esteemed leader was also given fatwa. They wanted her head. Were they successful? A leader from south, our distant ally, was also threatened along same line. Nothing happened. So I think, by asking for a hair cut, Cleric made a mistake.

Our party also thinks, Sonu should pay the money to cleric, to barber and to all members of the community.  My party thinks 10 lac rupees be collected from Sonu and distributed among barber, cleric and all needy people. In our party, we believe in Khao, peeyo aur mauj kaaro.

Ruling Party rep was getting confused. How was his party dragged into this controversy? Sonu is an individual. He acted as an individual. So why ruling party in this mess? Nevertheless, he had to improvise: “I think no one should be threatened with a Fatwa for not been able to sleep. Poor man, he is sleep deprived, now he has to apologise to the nation! We do not believe in such act. As a free citizen, Sonu has right to express his opinion on anything related to minorities, sorry, related to microphones. We believe in Sab ka Saath and Sabka Vikas.”

As a policy, we believe, na khaunga na khane doonga. Cleric should not be allowed to eat up the money. He should deposit it to tax authorities after paying the barber his due. Where did he get 10 lac in cash? Are these old currency or new currency?”

Oppostion member shouted : “Again you are bringing currency issue? Demonetisation was a flop show. You had put minorities into difficulty. You insult minorities. Look, how you insult Kashmiri people.  This government must go. We want prime minister to resign immediately. My leader is ready to form government with like minded parties.

The show ended in a pandemonium. Till last hard, no one has got a single penny. Sonu has shaved his head. We do not know if barber got paid, but he got publicity. Meanwhile, ruling and opposition parties are after each others throat. Maulavi is buy issuing fatwas and more fatwas. Nations favourite channel is organising TV debate daily on great issues of national importance.

Disclaimer : Except Sonu Nigam,his head shaving, and Maulavi who issued fatwa, all characters are imaginary No debate happened. No breaking news was ever released. It is purely unintentional, if anyone feels offended.

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